Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
THE DOG😭😭💀
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale