Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.