Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
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“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.