Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
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So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it