Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
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Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Got ya covered
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat