Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
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What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*