Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.