Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Are these grass-fed oranges?

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby