Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
How do I get a job writing these texts
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.