Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘