Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist