Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.