Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”