Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Sing it!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.