Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.