which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.