Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

Seek kebab; not attention

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.