Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
😂🐈⬛
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!