Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

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“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”


As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*


Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel


INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?


I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.


Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?


Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.


How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.