Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?