Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

HR said no more nunchucks.

just got my engagement photos

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

Real House Wines.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

They must have gotten it to go.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

The real reason evolution started..😂

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me