Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
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What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk