Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora