Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Happy Friday
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*