Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
no
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
My what?
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks