Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

Don’t beat an alive horse either.