Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
paddle faster i hear baby shark
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
j o i m p
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady