Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
m’lady
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.