Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.