Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.