Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”