Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
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her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.