“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.