“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.