Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Beauty and the Beast
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background