Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Terribly Tuesday.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.