Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready