Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Thrilling chase underway

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

found a horse’s reddit account

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

---

anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.