Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore![]()
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The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Check out the legs on this baby
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I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
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The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway