Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I need better friends
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.