Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I met my soulmate but she worked in a coal mine.
I feel like people have gotten in trouble for dating miners before.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*