Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.


My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park


I met my soulmate but she worked in a coal mine.

I feel like people have gotten in trouble for dating miners before.


My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.


My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.


In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.


date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea


The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.