@Marcmywords2

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

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@EmberToAsh

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

@threetimedaddy

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

@ilovepie84

I met my soulmate but she worked in a coal mine.

I feel like people have gotten in trouble for dating miners before.

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

@SondraDeeMe

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

@RowdyBowden

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

@kieransofar

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

@Gupton68

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.