Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
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[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
he’ll never suspect a thing
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.