Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.