Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Phones down.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

[right after sex]

Me: so that was uhh-

The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up