Which wines pair best with gloating?
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
my name if I was in the mob
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich