Which wines pair best with gloating?
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Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
