Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
my dad has had enough
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.