Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman landing like a plane on his belly

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Found my door mat

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.