Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Meow
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Does beer think about me too?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough