While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Cashiers are always checking me out
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.