Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

The sacred texts.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire