While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Good morning!
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.