While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?