While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it