While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English