While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food