Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

The Joker was right

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install