While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
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Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
wait.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.