While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
do horses think humans are hats
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
