While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
