Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

me watching my own Instagram story

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”