Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on