While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
A fake ID that makes you younger
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Pass gas, not judgment.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about