Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium