Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

Mike is short for Micycle

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?