While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.