Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

🤣

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing