While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
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“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Great game to play with friends
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
A dad and his duck
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool