While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
the three branches of government
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth