While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
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Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
HERE’S MARKY
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Education is vital
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.