Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button