Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

Denise please return my vape pen

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

That lamp looks PISSED.

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.