Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

doing your own taxes

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea