While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
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TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I falcon love using swear birds
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”