While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
You Might Also Like
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
What if all the cashiers are married?
