While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
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My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company