While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
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Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Nice try, poison.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before