While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
You Might Also Like
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
True
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.