[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
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people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Feels
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.